Garfield: New Vegas Revenge
by UglyTurnip
Summary: Garfield must recover the precious Lasagna Chip from Benny! Inspired by the works of user ShakespeareHemmingway and deliberately emulated in his style of writing.


**Author's Note: This Garfield fanfiction is a deliberate love letter to the works of the user ShakespeareHemmingway. He has done many great things for the Garfield fandom, and this is the least a pitiful man like myself can do to repay him.**

Garfield was sleeping in bed and dreaming of beautiful lasagna mistress when he suddenly woke up and rubbed his head with pains

"Owww what happened." questioned Garfield with inquisition.

"Hello Garfield it is me Doc Mitchell." Said Doc Mitchell with greetings. "Selfish 50s greaser man named Benny shot your head and stole your Lasagna chip. He will usings it to conquer New Vegas and ban Lasagna." said Doc Mitchell with concerns.

"What!" roared Garfield like fierce lion cat. "That fiend! I will get back Lasagna Chip with speed of jetpack cheetah!" Vowed Garfield with promise.

"Wait Garfield I must give you check-up so that I know you are OK." Doc Mitchell said with medical caution.

"I do not need tutorials for I am MAN" Garfield argued with unquestionable wisdom. "How can I get to New Vegas."

"Go south out of town and go south until you loop around. Its the long way but its safe."

"Fool! There is no time for safe travels! I will head north!"

"But Garfield that's where the cazadores live!" Reminded Doc Mitchell with fear.

"Their stingers are potent, but so am I." Garfield declared as he pulled out his Desert Eagle. "I shall kill Benny at once."

"Thank you Garfield you are brave man. Here take vault suit so that you are not naked."

"I shall ALWAYS be naked for ladies' eyes, hearts, and minds!" Garfield said with dismissal. "Goodbye Doc."

Garfield ran out of Doc Mitchell's house and went north completely ignoring all the sidequests because those were for losers. Soon he ran into some cazadores.

"HAHA Garfield we are the cazadores and we will fill you with wooziness and death!" said the cazadores with venom.

"The only sting being felt here will be by you in HELL" Said Garfield as he judo kicked the cazadores heads off.

"And now we shall play Big Iron by Marty Robbins so that Garfield has heroic ballad to listen to on journey" said Mr. New Vegas with encouragement.

"Now this is good heroic story" commented Garfield as he jammed out to Big Iron.

Garfield made it to New Vegas and entered the town of Freeside.

"Hello Garfield and welcome to Freeside." Said a Freeside Thug with deception. "I have gift for you it is in dumpster behind this alleyway."

"I need not your gift but I will take it anyway so that I may sell for lasagna on the free market." Said Garfield with economy.

Garfield and Freeside Thug entered the alleyway to discover that there was no gift, only lies and disappointment.

"Why do you waste my time?" Scolded Garfield with anger. "I need to get lasagna chip back IMMEDIATELY."

"HAHA Garfield it was trap to rob you!" Said Freeside Thug with betrayal.

"Oh no it is time to take out the trash," said Garfield as his ripped body effortlessly lifted the dumpster and dropped it on Freeside Thug.

"Alas I am no more! Your wit was too much for me Garfield!" said Freeside Thug remorsefully as he died.

"Crime is for LOSERS you must obey laws always" Said Garfield with social science.

Garfield traveled through Freeside and approached the gate to the strip before a securitron stopped him.

"Even manly man like Garfield must submit to a credit check." said the securitron with reasons.

"I submit to no man, woman, or robot! Get out of my way RIGHT now or I will wreck you with guns of righteousness!" Garfield declared with righteousness.

"Uhh you are right Garfield sorry to bother you" said the securitron with cowardace.

"Step aside robot man" said Garfield with boasting. "I have city to save and lasagna to secure!"

Garfield entered the Strip and traveled to the casinos. He did not know which one Benny was cowarding in so he asked Gomorrah Prostitute.

"Hello Garfield," said Gomorrah Prostitute with lust like a horse in heat. "Legends say that you are man like no other. Please make passionate lovemakings with me all night long."

"Silence woman!" commanded Garfield with masculine authority. "I must find Benny at once!"

"Benny is in the Tops casino. But be warned Garfield for he is a tricky and clever foe!" said Gomorrah Prostitute with feminine fear.

"Silly Benny, tricks are for kids." Garfield joked to Gomorrah Prostitute. "Stay here, babybutt, I'd like to see your Tops, too."

"Garfield I would wait five million eternities for just one passionate lovemaking" said Gomorrah Prostitute with shaky legs.

Garfield went to the Tops and opened the door to find Benny standing there with henchmen.

"What in the goddamn?" said Benny with bewilderment.

"Halt, Benny! You stole my lasagna chip. No man makes a victim out of Garfield."

"But Garfield you are surrounded by my bodyguards. You will meet your doom now!"

"Not if anything to say about it I have" Garfield roared as he entered VATS and punched a bodyguard so hard he ripped his heart out.

"His heart was in the right place." Garfield quipped with good-natured humor.

"That may have worked then Garfield but you cannot use VATS forever!" laughed Benny with cleverness.

"Oh no Garfield is in trouble" said Mr. New Vegas with dramatics. "Who could save him?"

"AMAKOOOO"

Jon Arbuckle mysteriously appeared out of thin air dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora as he fired his revolver at all of Benny's remaining guard.

"Thank you Jon Arbuckle, you are worthy ally and good friend."

"No problem Garfield I am stranger of Mysterious." said Jon Arbuckle as he faded away.

"Your crimes must be paid for at once, Benny," said Garfield with words of heroism.

"Please Garfield do not kill me and I will make you Vice President of the Mojave Republic." Benny said with big-time briberies.

"The only I thing I hate more than thieves is political corruption." Garfield declared as he backhanded Benny into a slot machine.

"Oh no I am dead." Said Benny as he died from the trauma.

Garfield picked up the Lasagna chip out of his body and held it victoriously like true manly hero.

"Thank you Garfield for returning the Lasagna chip." Said Mr. House on a securitron. "I was going to rule myself but you are clearly a more capable and manly ruler than I could ever be. You are now President of New Vegas."

"I accept my oath with truth, justice, and the American way." said Garfield with political speech.

"Mmmmm I have never made love to a president before." said Gomorrah Prostitute with unquenchable lust.

"Then come here babybutts and I will sign your bill into law." Garfield whispered flirtatiously.

Garfield ripped off Gomorrah Prostitute's clothes with muscles of manliness and proceeded to give her hot and sensual lovemakings for weeks on end.

The End?

 **Author's Note: If ShakespeareHemmingway is reading this and would like to update Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure that would be pretty good.**


End file.
